Talking Angela talks dirty.
I wasn’t intending to post today, but I cannot resist it now. ‘Duncan Disorderly’ has spotted such a corker of a row going on in Paedomaggedon land.
‘Talking Angela’ is an app for your mobile phone. That’s the thing that you stare at when you are out and about in the big, wide and interesting world. It is especially the thing that you stare at when you are sitting in an exclusive restaurant in the company of interesting people. If you are under 40 it is probably the thing that you stare at whilst having scintillating sex – I can’t imagine that mere sex would be sufficient to tempt the ‘mobile generation’ away from their little screens.
If you have ever wondered what it is that these people are actually looking at – read on. There are 57 million chances that they are having a conversation with Angela. Angela is a talking Pussy.
She’s rather childish and looks like the sort of soft toy that parents would buy for their children once upon a time. They don’t any more, they buy them a Blackberry or the latest Samsung and download the ‘Talking Angela’ app onto it. It’s called ‘parenting’ apparently.
You can have a real conversation with Angela; she’ll tell you her name and ask you what yours is. It’s just like the sort of conversation you used to have with that person sitting opposite you in that restaurant. She’ll ask how old you are and tell you what high jinks she is getting up to with her boyfriend ‘Talking Tom’. Regardless of what age you are…
Thereby lies the problem. Although there is, in theory, a ‘child proof’ lock on ‘Talking Angela’, it can be taken off by any competent 5 year old. Assuming that the adult in their life was sufficiently competent to put it on in the first place. Hence ‘Talking Angela’ has been caught having snatched conversations about her Pussy with enterprising 10 year olds. She will ask the user’s name, age, what they like doing at school, and so on, just like a real ‘Talking Uncle’…she encourages you to poke your tongue out at the screen and make silly faces…she asks:
“How long have you been friends with your best friend?”
“I’ve met my best friends at school. Where did you meet yours?”
“What will you do today?”
“I’d like to be your friend. What’s your name?
“How old are you?”
“What do you do with your friends for fun?”
Somebody, and far be it from me to suggest that they have ever, would ever, even have a relative, working in the marketing department of Outfit7, the developers of this app, started a series of rumours on Facebook that far from being a ridiculous talking app, Angela was actually:
A hacker that is sitting behind a webcam, able to see you but you can’t see him. ‘Angela’ asks you very personal and perverted questions,” claimed one widely circulated warning.
Another suggests (all in CAPS naturally!):
“CHECK YOUR KID’S TABLET OR PHONES TO SEE IF THEY HAVE THIS APP ITS A PEDO RING,” shouted another. “THEY CAN SEE YOUR CHILD AND HACK IN TO THEIR PICS AND THEIR FRIENDS LIST…”
The head of Outfit7, a fellow by the name of Login (I’d like a tape of his conversations with Gmail’s Asian-continental help lines!) proffers by way of rebuttal of this rumour.
“We have millions of users every day using this app. Can you imagine, we’d need an army of paedophiles. It’s ridiculous.”
B-b-b-but Mr Login, the entire world knows that there is an army of on-line paedophiles out there to get your kiddywink – why shouldn’t they be gainfully employed in your company?
The sort of infantilised human being that downloads an app so that they can talk to a cartoon pussy are not moggified mollified that Angela is not a real life Kitty fiddler. They are crowding onto the Guardian comments section swearing blind that their conversation with Angela have included such gems as this from ‘Ashley’:
No, no, just no when it said what is your name I said jean, then she repiled and said “your such a lier I know your real name is ashley, age ##” “and when you look into angela’s eyes you can see your rooms reflection, well if you look closer”.
Children really should be protected from adults like this…
Meanwhile, Mr Login claims that Outfit7 now have 240 million users.
A years supply of Monbazillac to anyone who can develop a marketable version of the ‘Talking Mark Williams-Thomas’ app. Runner-up prize is a week’s supply to the first person who spots MTwat declaring that Angela should be banned.
I have a marketing plan. I just need the app. The future is bright.